Friday, May 21, 2010

Introducing: The New Roomate

Born in Milwaukee, just south of Yugoslavia, Johnny Cassidy: aka. Johnny Apple Seed, Johnny Two Balls, Johnny make me coffee, decided to move to Montreal to pursue his career as a professional band member. Not just any band, a garage band. He packed his 19 children, 7 corn rows and several batteries into the anus of his pet mule and headed for Canada. Upon his arrival to Canada the boarder patrol asked, "Have you ever been to Hermie Island?" He responded, "I like Juice." 20 hours later and 13 full rotations of Alanis Morisettes' Jagged Little Pill Johnny arrived at the foothills of a mysterious island. This island was unlike anything he has ever seen before, a land where the soil is blue, the recycling is plentiful and the cups are dirty. His heart skipped a beat as two scornful voices bellowed from the top floor of the castle. "WE ARE BLOATED!" "WE ARE HUNGRY!" Timidly, Johnny replied, "אני לבוא עם דיאטה קוקס והפרחים. אני רוצה להיות לחבר שלך ואת להישאר מצודת שלכם." The women then opened the door and greeted the weary traveller with a hug. Since then, Johnny has been apart of the tumultuous process of opening a store that sells unborn fetuses, magical feathers, diet coke and gold amulets. His hair has turned golden and has grown to the length of his knees where he stores his flutes and shit. He has moved PERMANENTLY into the island and succeeds at showering daily, eating regularly and working hard on his imaginary computer. Having a tail and being fluent in 9 languages has provided Johnny with the ability to withstand the nauseating lack of gravity on Hermie island. Right now he is wearing a pink dress, purple anklets made out of egg shells, a black chiffon cape and a giant walrus tusk on his head. We love him, we think he may love us back.

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